I’m happy for once.

I literally can’t stop smiling when I think about mike. And I can not stop thinking about him. He’s funny and nice, and we have the same interests. I just really really really hope that when we meet I feel the same way. If im not attracted to him then I’m not going to go to the party because I told myself that I wouldnt date a guy that I wasn’t attracted to right off the bat. His facebook pictures look cute. But it’s hard to tell. Pics look different sometimes. I just really hope that he’s handsome in person. Because I really want to date him. He seems like so much fun! I’m seriously so freaking nervous to meet him tomorrow. I am also really really excited :) I havnt been this excited about a boy in a long time. I know I’m getting my hopes up, but I can’t help it. I havnt connected with a guy like this in a long time. No one ever likes the same music as me. I love that he does. I hope that thing work out. Or that we can at least e friends.

I’m really into this guy mike. He’s really sweet. He texts me almost everyday, and he’s into everything that I’m into. I smile when I talk to him and think about him.

I wish I knew how to be happy. I feel like I sulk a lot. I am always complaining. I need to be more positive. It’s like, when I’m with friends or family I am happy… But when I’m alone, I start to think about things and I get sad.. Maybe it’s not so much being alone, but more closing myself off to the world. I pop in my headphones at work and ignore the world around me. I do this most of the time. I likethe girls, but I feel like they judge me. It makes me feel like I don’t know if They judge me because I’m a bad person or because I’m immature or because I’m weird… Maybe they don’t even care enough to judge me. I just get the feelig that they are. Maybe I’m just insecure about myself. Who am I kidding? I know I’m insecure. I’m a very vain person. I want to be pretty. Maybe that’s why guys don’t like me. I’m all looks. I’m not smart enough to be with a smart successful guy. Why would a successful guy want me? I feel like I have nothing to offer. I can’t stop thinking about how lonely I am. I seriously check out every guy that I see.. I must look incredibly desperate because no one ever talks to me. I rarely get hit on. And if I do, it’s at a bar/club. I don’t want to date a guy that I meet at a bar. Im really digging this guy mike that I met on pof. He’s super cool. I just hope he really looks like his pictures. If he really is cute, then I think I’m going to be in love. Ugh, somtimes I get ahead of myself. I’m not going to rush into anythin! I’m not going to fall too soon. I’m not going to hook up with him just because. I’m goingto be rational. I’m going to weigh the pros and cons before deciding if I like him. I’m going to be honest and be myself. If ever… I keep thinking about getting married. Chad popped into my head. Annette is getting married. She’s pregnant. I wish I was a housewife. I wish I was a mom liken was supposed to be. Why did god give me such a gift and let me tell everyone aboutnit… and then he rips the gift right from me like he was ripping my heart out of my chest. I have never felt such strong emotions and experienced such pain. And I didn’t even get a child out of it. I feel like I need to stop partying and drinking and whatnot. If I want to find a guy, then I need to settle down. I really hope that I will be happy one day. I wish that I was happy now. I wish that I cared about bigger issues.. But my world revolves around me. I’m a selfish person. That’s why I want a child. So that I have someone else to care about oter than myself. I wish I had a man. A real man. One that loves everything about me. One that is attractive and funny. Sarcastic. Manly. Family oriented. Into music. Kinda like me. But more responsible. I feel like maybe I dnt have a bf because I’m 23 and still at home.. I should get another job so that I can move out. I feel like I need to try harder. The only problem is staying motivated.

I’m kind of sad right now… I have so much fun just hanging at home having drinks. I wish that my friends liked doing this. They always want to go to clubs or bars though… I’m so over that. I would much rather hang out and be mellow and low key in a safe place. These guys are really nice. But they are so young. I feel like I’m so fucking old around these guys. I am into the same things as them though. I feel like I’m being immature. Or trying to be younger than I am. Maybe I’m trying to be young so I don’t have to grow up and be responsible.. I wish I went to school. I want a better job. I want to make more money. I want to be on my own :/ I feel like such a failure. I need to save as much as I can. I need to get a better job. I need to be better than I am. I need to face reality. I am not happy with my life how it is. The only thing that I’m happy about is my family. I want to be happy.

I feel like An outcast. I try to fit in and be cool, and it seems like I’m just weird. I want for people to like me. I want to be pretty, and sexy, and funny, and mysterious…. But I’m not. I’m akward, and shy, and desperate.. I am a freaking joke.

just went to the versaemerge concert. it rocked! im so attracted to band boys. i love the long funky hair, tank tops, tight pants, scruff, and piercings. i wish i could meet a guy like that. its what im attracted to. but i feel like i never have the guts to talk to them because im intimidated by them. i have opportunities to talk to them, i just dont because im shy or something. i feel like if i was truly attracted to a guy then i wouldnt be thinking the things that i do. like with all my ex’s… i was attracted to the personality, but not so much the looks. i need to be attracted to someone to really be able to feel the passion, and really want that person. i dont think ive ever had that before. unless it was just a guy that didnt turn out to be very serious. maybe thats why i dont want to commit to a guy. but im always thinking that there is something better out there. better than what i have, better than who im with. i dont want to just settle for something. but then at the same time, why cant i just appreciate what i have? why do i always need to find someone whose better? is it because i have problems or is it because i just havent met the right guy yet? i just want to meet him already! i know that love cant be rushed, and that when the time is right we will meet, but im impatient. im lonely now. i dont want to be with just anyone. i want him to be the one…ugh.. the second i typed that chad popped into my head.. why wont he get out? i dont want to be in love with him again.. i just feel like its going to happen. like its inevitable, no matter what happens, in the end i will be with chad. i still feel him in the pit of my heart. its really weird because when i sit and think of him i feel this heavy weight in my chest and my throat starts to knot up like i need to cry. i wouldnt call it a sad cry. more of an ‘i miss him’ kind of way. i know i shouldnt see him or talk to him because it would just be too hard. plus, he doesnt even want to talk to me anyways. i text him today like a fucking idiot! he never responded :/ it makes me feel kinda bad. i would never ignore him, unless i was with someone else already. i wouldnt doubt it. hes a smooth talker. sometimes i feel like i worry about stupid shit. there are so many horrible things going on in the world right now and all im sad about is my pathetic love life. im an awful person. maybe i should help someone else. i wonder if i could volunteer somewhere. who am i kidding? i want to help people, but im too lazy. why do i think like that? i feel like something is wrong with me if i cant be posititve about myself. why am i so hard on myself? im only human. but then i feel like everyone around me is doing so much more than me. im imature. im broke. im lazy. im perverted. i have a fucking ed and a drug problem.. god.. who the hell did i turn into? seeing this all written here makes me feel like i really need to talk to someone.

The girls at work were talking about abortions today. It made me really sad. I know I didn’t have one, but I feel like the things I went through are just as traumatic. I feel like I’m never going to get over it.. Sometimes I wish that it didn’t happen. Sometimes I wish that I the baby and was a mom. I feel like I would be a good mom. Sometimes I wish that I was still with Chad. Sometimes I wish that we had a family. I went through so much with the miscarriage and breakup and the drugs. I feel like I can’t move on. I need help. I just want to be ok. When I get close to someone, I push myself away. Maybe because I have commitment issues, or maybe because I think I’m not good enough, or maybe because Im scared to go through that again. I still feel the pain everyday. I can’t get over it. I want to talk to mom about it but I’m embarrassed. I know she would never judge me, but I think I’m more scared to admit it out loud because that makes it real. I don’t want to see a doctor and find out that I have depression or something. I know that I’m not happy, I know that I should talk to someone about the things that go through my head. I don’t think I will be able to be in a normal relationship unless I do. I don’t want to be with someone if I’m going o burden them with all this. I also feel like I have problems with intimacy. I feel like I don’t want to have sex because of all the memories and feelings it brings back. It just makes me think about the life I missed out on. I could have a 1 year old right now.. I could be living on my own with Chad right now… Everytime I think of it I get more sad.. I hate that my body couldn’t take it. I feel like Chad is The One for me. Like were supposed to be together. Maybe that’s why I push myself away from other guys. Because deep down I want him back. He knew everything about me and still loved me. I wish I could tell him that I want to be with him again.. I would never admit it to anyone though. I know that everyone in my life hates him, but i can’t help they way I feel. He still has my heart. I wish I knew what to do. Should I talk to him? Or just let the universe bring us back together when the time is right? What it it is the right time? What it the universe will bring us together after I talk to him? What if fate doesn’t exist? What if it does? Im overthinking… I hate when I do this to myself. I just want to be happy again.. I just want to be loved again.. I want a real life.

and now i feel like a fat fucking pig. i hate myself.

I started talking to a guy I met on pof. He’s super cool. He seems like a really fun guy. He’s into music and plays in a band. He really seems like he would be fun to hang out with. His name is mike. I really want to meet him. Hopefully i will this week. I want to be in love so bad. but I don’t want to rush it. But at the same time, I know that no one is perfect. I just want to find someone that’s perfect enough..