The girls at work were talking about abortions today. It made me really sad. I know I didn’t have one, but I feel like the things I went through are just as traumatic. I feel like I’m never going to get over it.. Sometimes I wish that it didn’t happen. Sometimes I wish that I the baby and was a mom. I feel like I would be a good mom. Sometimes I wish that I was still with Chad. Sometimes I wish that we had a family. I went through so much with the miscarriage and breakup and the drugs. I feel like I can’t move on. I need help. I just want to be ok. When I get close to someone, I push myself away. Maybe because I have commitment issues, or maybe because I think I’m not good enough, or maybe because Im scared to go through that again. I still feel the pain everyday. I can’t get over it. I want to talk to mom about it but I’m embarrassed. I know she would never judge me, but I think I’m more scared to admit it out loud because that makes it real. I don’t want to see a doctor and find out that I have depression or something. I know that I’m not happy, I know that I should talk to someone about the things that go through my head. I don’t think I will be able to be in a normal relationship unless I do. I don’t want to be with someone if I’m going o burden them with all this. I also feel like I have problems with intimacy. I feel like I don’t want to have sex because of all the memories and feelings it brings back. It just makes me think about the life I missed out on. I could have a 1 year old right now.. I could be living on my own with Chad right now… Everytime I think of it I get more sad.. I hate that my body couldn’t take it. I feel like Chad is The One for me. Like were supposed to be together. Maybe that’s why I push myself away from other guys. Because deep down I want him back. He knew everything about me and still loved me. I wish I could tell him that I want to be with him again.. I would never admit it to anyone though. I know that everyone in my life hates him, but i can’t help they way I feel. He still has my heart. I wish I knew what to do. Should I talk to him? Or just let the universe bring us back together when the time is right? What it it is the right time? What it the universe will bring us together after I talk to him? What if fate doesn’t exist? What if it does? Im overthinking… I hate when I do this to myself. I just want to be happy again.. I just want to be loved again.. I want a real life.