just went to the versaemerge concert. it rocked! im so attracted to band boys. i love the long funky hair, tank tops, tight pants, scruff, and piercings. i wish i could meet a guy like that. its what im attracted to. but i feel like i never have the guts to talk to them because im intimidated by them. i have opportunities to talk to them, i just dont because im shy or something. i feel like if i was truly attracted to a guy then i wouldnt be thinking the things that i do. like with all my ex’s… i was attracted to the personality, but not so much the looks. i need to be attracted to someone to really be able to feel the passion, and really want that person. i dont think ive ever had that before. unless it was just a guy that didnt turn out to be very serious. maybe thats why i dont want to commit to a guy. but im always thinking that there is something better out there. better than what i have, better than who im with. i dont want to just settle for something. but then at the same time, why cant i just appreciate what i have? why do i always need to find someone whose better? is it because i have problems or is it because i just havent met the right guy yet? i just want to meet him already! i know that love cant be rushed, and that when the time is right we will meet, but im impatient. im lonely now. i dont want to be with just anyone. i want him to be the one…ugh.. the second i typed that chad popped into my head.. why wont he get out? i dont want to be in love with him again.. i just feel like its going to happen. like its inevitable, no matter what happens, in the end i will be with chad. i still feel him in the pit of my heart. its really weird because when i sit and think of him i feel this heavy weight in my chest and my throat starts to knot up like i need to cry. i wouldnt call it a sad cry. more of an ‘i miss him’ kind of way. i know i shouldnt see him or talk to him because it would just be too hard. plus, he doesnt even want to talk to me anyways. i text him today like a fucking idiot! he never responded :/ it makes me feel kinda bad. i would never ignore him, unless i was with someone else already. i wouldnt doubt it. hes a smooth talker. sometimes i feel like i worry about stupid shit. there are so many horrible things going on in the world right now and all im sad about is my pathetic love life. im an awful person. maybe i should help someone else. i wonder if i could volunteer somewhere. who am i kidding? i want to help people, but im too lazy. why do i think like that? i feel like something is wrong with me if i cant be posititve about myself. why am i so hard on myself? im only human. but then i feel like everyone around me is doing so much more than me. im imature. im broke. im lazy. im perverted. i have a fucking ed and a drug problem.. god.. who the hell did i turn into? seeing this all written here makes me feel like i really need to talk to someone.